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Oct. 9th, 2010

my dad died suddenly on wednesday at my sister's house. by the time we got to the hospital, he'd been gone for a couple of hours.

today was the memorial and cremation, so that his wife can bring him back to vietnam.

as you might expect, none of this feels real. my rational and emotional halves aren't speaking to each other right now.

i don't know what to expect from the future. all i can tell you is that it sucks. completely and totally sucks and i wish that this wasn't part of how things will be from now on.

in which anh resumes writing a little bit.

maybe if i write more often, it will make my brain less messy. clearly, i'm meant for externalization. and honestly, i was probably more sane when i spent less time percolating.
it's a damnable situation, this busy time, forcibly inclining a thorough extrovert into situational introversion.

i'm also beginning to think my major vice is overcommitment, as though being too busy and too tired to think about anything would actually solve anything. anyways. anxieties onward.

today, i got into some weird stare-interaction with some older guy in the trader joe's georgetown parking lot. to be fair, it wasn't exactly unmerited - a couple of people crossed behind me, and i didn't see them at first when i started backing up, but i did stop - way shy of actually doing any damage (i think). he seemed more put out than anything, and while i was slightly abashed because i hadn't seen the pedestrians, i didn't think it was something to get so worked up over. after all, it's both of our duties to avoid accidents, right? so, yes, i need to not nearly run over you, but you do also need to be aware that a car that's clearly in reverse might not see you in a crowded parking lot. just saying.

either way, it's been bothering me for like, the last few hours. i mean, he sat in the middle of the parking lot and stared at me for at least 20 seconds, as i pulled back out of my space, straightened, and pulled back in (i didn't have enough clearance between the car and the concrete barriers to open my door). was he memorizing my license plate? getting ready to set the authorities upon me for driving while asian? (that's a flippant and terrible - yet slightly ingrained - response.)

it's probably overwork - too many hours in the office + too much time at school + too much outside time spent working on charity stuff, but it all compounds into a big paranoid ball for me. like, WHAT IF HE'S SOME CRAZY MOB BOSS? Or like, RUSH LIMBAUGH??? or someone else insane? it's dc, after all. i could have come ever-so-close to knocking off a senator (although death by mini cooper would be unlikely at low speeds - more like slight-to-moderate bruising of one's dignity by mini, really). he could be sending the capitol police after me!

oooooor he could just be some irritated old guy.

written out, anxieties get more ludicrous, but lately i've been growing a prodigious crop of them for no apparent reason. it could be the trappings of adulthood coming on with a vengeance, as we're positively aflood with weddings and babies and change, but that seems like a silly way to cope. then again, not like we get to control how we cope on a conscious level. we'd be happier if that were the case. whatever it is, i like it not.

and seriously, what would it take to ground me in each moment instead of in the worry that i'm not spending it the right way?

what is the right way? is this some kind of anthropological phenomenon evolving out of economic gloom n' doom, 2012-mytho-ridiculous apocalyptica, crappy reality coverage of terrible specimens of humanity, and the "quarter-life crises" of generation y?

i don't even know. and honestly, not like it would matter (or help) if it was something i could parse and write a 15-page paper about.

mostly, i probably need some time for fun, a serious vacation, and a lot less stress. none of these things appear to be forthcoming. so, i'll probably be complaining a lot more. apologies in advance to anyone who gets a dose of this radiation.

god, i have so much crap to do.

popping back in

i am out of touch with everyone, but i'm totally thinking of all of you.

i dunno if anyone else has this balance problem, but it feels like my life is oscillating between the vapid and the heavy way too fast, and i'm having trouble staying in the middle.

also, i seem to have made the insane choice to go back to school while working full-time. we shall see what variety of augmented crazy this period creates.

dear brain. please to be reducing noise to low, unobtrusive hum.

bah humbug. i miss everyone.
haven't been about much since work's been so busy, but popping in to note:

:i met tony bourdain today. def. cool.
:he's ginormously tall.
:i didn't want to bother him (filming something for no reservations) but i did get him to sign my copy of a cook's tour. nifty.

that is all, now back to work.

lordy, miss maudey.

totally having a completely klutzy, not-go-right kind of day.

evidence thereof: hands have been dyed near-completely pink. >_

a note.

it actually makes me rather sad that heath ledger is dead. "10 things i hate about you" was pretty much the pinnacle of teenybopper shakespearean modern reinterpretation movies, "knight's tale" was a guilty, queen-infested pleasure, and i was really, really, really looking forward to "the dark knight." i mean, i still am, but man. heath ledger was the hot guy for all the girls who felt rebelliously kat-ish in high school. who doesn't want a guy to like you enough to sing "can't take my eyes off of you" in public with the accompaniment of a high school band? man, i'd still get all fluttery and squealy if someone whipped that out.

definitely the kind of actor you think "hey, hot and talented" rather than "hot but fuckin' retarded." it could have been one of a dozen more likely candidates. ugh. boo.

and so, it is done.

i move away from home this weekend. to a place. with aaron and mark. IN OLD TOWN!

...housewarming details forthcoming.


things proceed a-pace.

been a while since i've made with the post-y post-y. it's been a leetle hectic since our return, but i think we're beginning the long slow process of re-settlement.

to wit: i have employment that is not entirely furnished by nepotism or desperation, as i am currently working at an architectural firm of awesome in arlington, and hopefully garnering a more permanent position thereat sometime soon. but so far, i'm really digging it and feeling more and more convinced that architecture is where i'm going to go. less hare-brained multi-tasking, more change!

the jew and i are attempting a move to old town alexandria, to hopefully be accomplished sometime in the next week. more details on that forthcoming, but so far, i've picked out a color scheme for the living room, because welll...i can't help myself. teal! tord boontje! medium brown wood! liiiiight! etc. etc. etc.

there's actually a mess more to report, given the busy-ness of the last few months, but alas, i am too tie-tie to engage in more reporting. apart from the fact that jen's going to be inducing tomorrow (!), i will record more later.


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nothin' doin'.

if i ever bought a raven for a pet, i'd name it quoth.

admit it. you giggled right before you groaned. :P