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in which anh resumes writing a little bit.

maybe if i write more often, it will make my brain less messy. clearly, i'm meant for externalization. and honestly, i was probably more sane when i spent less time percolating.
it's a damnable situation, this busy time, forcibly inclining a thorough extrovert into situational introversion.

i'm also beginning to think my major vice is overcommitment, as though being too busy and too tired to think about anything would actually solve anything. anyways. anxieties onward.

today, i got into some weird stare-interaction with some older guy in the trader joe's georgetown parking lot. to be fair, it wasn't exactly unmerited - a couple of people crossed behind me, and i didn't see them at first when i started backing up, but i did stop - way shy of actually doing any damage (i think). he seemed more put out than anything, and while i was slightly abashed because i hadn't seen the pedestrians, i didn't think it was something to get so worked up over. after all, it's both of our duties to avoid accidents, right? so, yes, i need to not nearly run over you, but you do also need to be aware that a car that's clearly in reverse might not see you in a crowded parking lot. just saying.

either way, it's been bothering me for like, the last few hours. i mean, he sat in the middle of the parking lot and stared at me for at least 20 seconds, as i pulled back out of my space, straightened, and pulled back in (i didn't have enough clearance between the car and the concrete barriers to open my door). was he memorizing my license plate? getting ready to set the authorities upon me for driving while asian? (that's a flippant and terrible - yet slightly ingrained - response.)

it's probably overwork - too many hours in the office + too much time at school + too much outside time spent working on charity stuff, but it all compounds into a big paranoid ball for me. like, WHAT IF HE'S SOME CRAZY MOB BOSS? Or like, RUSH LIMBAUGH??? or someone else insane? it's dc, after all. i could have come ever-so-close to knocking off a senator (although death by mini cooper would be unlikely at low speeds - more like slight-to-moderate bruising of one's dignity by mini, really). he could be sending the capitol police after me!

oooooor he could just be some irritated old guy.

written out, anxieties get more ludicrous, but lately i've been growing a prodigious crop of them for no apparent reason. it could be the trappings of adulthood coming on with a vengeance, as we're positively aflood with weddings and babies and change, but that seems like a silly way to cope. then again, not like we get to control how we cope on a conscious level. we'd be happier if that were the case. whatever it is, i like it not.

and seriously, what would it take to ground me in each moment instead of in the worry that i'm not spending it the right way?

what is the right way? is this some kind of anthropological phenomenon evolving out of economic gloom n' doom, 2012-mytho-ridiculous apocalyptica, crappy reality coverage of terrible specimens of humanity, and the "quarter-life crises" of generation y?

i don't even know. and honestly, not like it would matter (or help) if it was something i could parse and write a 15-page paper about.

mostly, i probably need some time for fun, a serious vacation, and a lot less stress. none of these things appear to be forthcoming. so, i'll probably be complaining a lot more. apologies in advance to anyone who gets a dose of this radiation.

god, i have so much crap to do.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
gideon_rynn
Nov. 15th, 2009 01:03 am (UTC)
*is for you writing more*

Hang in there, Peanut Butter.
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